Grace Revisited

I've been at a conference for the last three days. Most of the workshops I signed up for were on school security.

Yesterday's afternoon sessions were led by a speaker that was at Beslan after the school siege in September 2004. He shared stories about the hours during the siege. His stories were filled with cruelty, murder, rape, and mental and physical torture inflicted on the hostages by the attackers. He showed photos that were taken during and after the siege, and told of the hostages that were brutalized - some that made it out, some that did not. The attack was related to a centuries-long dispute between Chechnya and Russia. I've heard arguments that the Chechens were justified in their aggression because they were pushed by the Russians. But, this was not a chess game. People were not peacefully held as pawns. They were brutalized. Teachers. Parents. Children.

At the end of the second session, he took us away from the Beslan incident, and showed a video containing a conglomeration of executions filmed by terrorists. He gave us the opportunity to leave before he played it, but I chose to stay.

Last night I thought about why I chose to stay. I think I stayed because I didn't want to walk away from what others had suffered. I know that it's too late, that the damage is done. But somehow, it seemed wrong not to see it, not to allow myself to be part of it, to be wounded by it.

Now, I'm dumbfounded by how a man or a woman - a human being - can possibly be so brutal, so cold, so nonchalant toward another human. I watched as a terrorist engaged his bound prisoner in what appeared to be casual conversation before slaughtering him.

This was different than the 9/11 attack. That attack was not as close up. Granted, the suicide pilots were within feet of the people they were taking to their deaths. But, most of our warfare isn't close up. We use rifles, grenades, bombs. We situate ourselves at a distance from our victim, because really, we hate death and we wish we didn't have to be about this business of defense and offense. What I saw yesterday was different; it was up close, personal, and flippant. When I say flippant, I mean that it was not inflicted out of presenting anger or rage or hysteria that I would expect to precipitate such acts.

Since I saw all of this yesterday, I keep coming back to it in my mind, randomly and without warning. I'm having to process what I saw, to apply it to what I know of the world and of people. It's like my brain has been jostled and is in a pack and reindex mode.

I am rethinking forgiveness, and mercy, and fairness, and the death penalty, and warfare, and most of all, I'm rethinking grace. I don't know what causes a man or woman to be so blithely brutal. Even if I did, it wouldn't change things. But, yesterday morning I thought I understood the depths of God's grace to forgive sin. Yesterday afternoon, those depths grew far deeper than I can fathom.

I'm kind of sitting here with my jaws loose and my mind loose, feeling utterly spent and useless, but also in awe and wonder at the marvelous love of God for his creation, his power to forgive, his longsuffering toward the world. Am I glad I stayed to watch the video? I guess glad really isn't the word. I think it was important for me to stay.

I bought flowers with my groceries after work tonight.